I’m off to Roskilde wearing these pants

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That is not true. I just needed an excuse to post this amazing picture. BUT it’s gonna be great this year. The line-up Friday is to die for and the weather is plain amazing.

If you are not going, you can follow this step by step “how to be at Glastonbury without being there” by Gavin Haynes from VICE. It should work for the Roskilde Festival as well:

• Go to your local post office at 11 AM on a Saturday morning. Queue for an hour, then when you get to the front, reward yourself with some warm lager, before returning to the back for another intense queuing session.

• Put your TV inside a triangular plinth at the bottom of your garden. Tune it to the Glastonbury coverage. Now turn the sound down to approximately the volume of a mouse coughing and stand about 800m back from it. Remember to give the thumbs up and cheer a lot when Tom Jones comes on, to show that you appreciate irony.

• Fill your bed with biscuit crumbs, chip packets, plastic bags, beer cans and a young alcoholic of the same gender who thinks it’s their bed and is too drunk to be told otherwise.

• Grind your teeth for nine hours until they’re little more than a clammy paste and your mouth feels like it’s been gang-raped by giant lizard people. Now throw £20 down the drain.

• Invite your neighbour round to shag his missus three feet away from you on the other side of a narrow nylon partition. Things she might like to cry out: “Harder!” “Faster!” “Slower!” “Not in there!” “Hurry up, The Prodigy are on in twenty minutes!”

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